Rabbit on a Kaleidoscope
by astralfairyfawn
“When you know, you know”. That morning I woke up thinking about Usagi. It was time to pay him a visit. I wrote him a message, although he wasn’t fond of social media, and searched for her mother, the tarotist. I felt that he was living with her while sorting out what to do with his freedom. The tarotist had a nice profile in Instagram with a link to her whatsapp with her address. It was our time, I knew it was.
After lunch, I headed towards the river, to Puerto Viejo neighborhood. I was really nervous. Last time I heard his voice was in a phone call years before. Thoughts like that buzzed in my mind and after forty minutes I was in front of a two-storey house, blue and retro style. There was no bell to rang, so I knock weakly, but of course the tarotist knew I was coming. She welcomed me warmly, without intrusive questions and led me to the second floor to wait for Usagi. The house was filled of the sweet smell of palo santo and beautiful depictions of Buda hanged on the walls. The sunlight illuminated the room and wore off the cold and nerves I felt before. I stood by a window, where the river could be seen, when I felt his careful approach.
“I caught you!” I said to Usagi, jumping into his arms. I could hear his giggle and voice through his chest , “I missed you”. We took a few steps away to look at each other: even if time had passed turning our faces more mature, our hairs longer and our frames thinner, we were the same. “I want to tell you about so many things” and Usagi smiled replying “me too”. I followed him across the room. He was always wearing black but this time, in another manner: he was alright again. We headed to his bedroom and sat in front of the computer. Usagi was playing Silent Hill, and in the desktop there was a cd player turned on, a kaleidoscope, and a golden maneki-neko greeting. “What you are listening to? Can I play with it?” I asked pointing to the kaleidoscope. “A compilation made by myself with Portishead, Radiohead, Depeche Mode, that kind of bands. And sure, take it”, replied Usagi, his brown eyes meeting mine. With a soundtrack building the atmosphere, our conversations began. We both described our long way to the point we were standing now, our victories, our defeats, what we left in the road and what we take, who came and stayed and who didn’t: long conversations where we oscillated between laugh and contemplation. We talked about what we learn, how everything changes and at the same time, remains the same. We dreamed about our plans for the future, the one which is far away and the other which is near. We talked about books, films, music, the sames as ever and the newer ones. Cups of coffee and cigarettes, bitter as they are, didn’t eclipse the sweetness of our moment. I remembered the kaleidoscope and started to play with it: I could see Usagi illuminated by the golden sunshine of almost sunset, his pale skin contrasting with his long dark hair, an amused expression in his face blended with a hint of melancholy and the deepest stare. I felt that time caught us up.
A long embrace was our farewell. We stroke each other’s hair, and in every finger lovingly running was a feeling which no longer needed words to be understood. We broke slowly our hug, slowly we started to depart, except one of our hands. They were still holding. And so remained as we took more steps on contrary directions, stretching our arms, stretching the time till only our fingers touched and then nothing. But we keep the time with us a little longer, walking slowly backwards with eyes running through each other’s image, burning this moment forever and shyly smiling. The corners of the street abruptly ended our farewell, now Usagi was out of sight.
But it wasn't like that. It wasn't. And it would never be. I am sitting on the edge of the sidewalk, hugging a black dog from the neighborhood. The cold is making me shake but it doesn't matter anymore. The sun shines but it's so overexposed that everything looks black and white. The grass from across the street, white with tall black shadows. The sky, a white nothing. Birds are little chimeric beings with the spectrum from white to black moving across their feathers. On the dress I’m wearing since yesterday, tiny bunnies are sleeping in a red emptiness. What are the odds? A white feather from nowhere floats and falls into the middle of the street. And tonight, there is no rabbit in the moon making mochi. This morning, I indeed woke up thinking about Usagi, and indeed wrote to him. I scouted all internet, searching for some activity of my Steppenwolf friend. It didn’t take me longer to found an obituary. His. And since then…
The reality feels like paper. Space and time, what sense could they have when you are spinning inside of the Eternity's Kaleidoscope? Nine, april, twenty, may, seventeen, december, nine. In this giant kaleidoscope I'm trapped and can't free my looking of it. Past, present, future, would bes and wouldn't bes all in front of my eyes, like little films replaying all over again and far away of my reaching hands which meet nothing more than the illusions of the kaleidoscope. And if I could look outside of it, I feel I could tear reality and revel the void, “the blackness of darkness, forever”.
Four dreams I will have of Usagi. Uncountable times will I look at the obituary to ease my disbelief. I will find unsent letters to him, unsaid things will burst from their icy shelter on insomnia fueled nights. I will read passages of Der Steppenwolf, passages that Usagi himself highlighted long before gifting it to me. I will read again and again his blogs, his messages, and listen to what he used to like. I will understand that it was his choice to take his life, but I will struggle to accept a world without Usagi. It will be painful. It will be lonely. To both my best friend and my boyfriend I will ask, “Is there a something, a compass, to find in other reincarnations those we love, to reunite with them ?” and both will answer me that yes, there is and it’s inside us. I will find Usagi in both of them. I will find Usagi in songs, films, animes, random things on internet, in the streets, in myself. I will remember Usagi at random moments of my day, and I will send my love and strength to his soul and to the person he is now. I will think about how came to be that the person I know as Usagi, doesn’t exist anymore and instead his soul is in another person. I will write existentialist nonsense in my diary, and I will write about Usagi and to Usagi in my diary too. I will daydream the months away and I will write this text.